The Fruit Alchemist
by Red Shadows
Summary: Oneshot.  Shigure is sent to the grocery store for therapy, and Ed turns up in the world of Fruits Basket!  How will everything turn out?  Read to find out!  FMAxFB crossover.  Akito X Taco.  Rated for violence towards milk and pineapples.


This is just a random oneshot. Don't blame me if you can't understand it, only crazy people like me will be able to. Anyway, on with the show.

Disclaimers 

I don't own any of the characters except Ashara and MV, and _I'm _Brittany, so obviously I own myself. I hope. XD The random characters like King Pinata are just that – random. No one owns them.

There will be extreme OOC-ness.

Happy reading, and R&R!

THE FRUIT ALCHEMIST 

Ed clapped his hands together, creating a flash of bright blue light. He was intending only to transmute a zipper. Why, we will never know. Ed will, but we sure won't. But on that fateful day, he not only transmuted his zipper, but threw himself into a completely different story!

As Ed sat in the grass staring in awe – and confusion – at the aluminum pen in his hands, somebody crashed into him, falling and dropping laundry all over him.

"Watch where you're going!"

"Ah! I'm so sorry, I'll pick it up right away!" Tohru shouted, grabbing the clean sheets and starting to pile them back in her basket. On a blue one, the next-to-last, however, she found a weight on the other end. That weight was Ed.

"So _this _is the long-lost magic blanket of King Piñata XIII!" he shouted, refusing to let go. "It's mine!"

"It's a magic blanket? There was a magic blanket in the house all along and I never knew it?" Tohru started chewing on the laundry basket as punishment for not knowing about the magic blanket. So a hobo ran up and super-glued her nose to the basket and then disappeared. Rumour has it he was eaten by a rare tribe of cannibal penguins. But that's another story.

Ed then tied the blanket around his head bandana style and used the rest as a cape. It reached the ground because he's so short. Running away from the super-glued Tohru, he ran into Shigure's house, where he savagely murdered the milk, leaving its entrails all over the walls, and found a hideous beast of microscopic yet sludgy proportions lurking in the cheese! It was the Fridge of Horrors!

"Hey, what did you do with my milk?" Kyou came into the kitchen. Once he saw what Ed had done, he hid under a box in the corner and cried for two and a half seconds before regaining his not-so-composted composure. He jumped on Ed and they fought valiantly for 8.0713 minutes before a pineapple leapt into the fray and defeated them both with a single night-light. To this day the pineapple remains undefeated in battle. Among its conquests is the famous Rubber Ducky of France, a worthy accomplishment. After this short but violent battle, Brittany ran in and stole Ed leaving Roy Mustang in his place.

"I am the Flame Alchemist, and I demand my return to Amestris!" Roy proclaimed, but everyone was too busy eating tumbleweed smoothies to hear him. So he looked for the magic blanket but Brittany had taken that too. In desperation, he put on a bright pink tutu and danced around the kitchen, which made everyone laugh because he snapped his fingers and set his tutu on fire. He survived, but with severe emotional damage. Lt. Havoc stole his girlfriend while he was gone.

Shigure could hear all this going on in his kitchen, and went to investigate. He was attacked by a rabid toaster and sent to a grocery store for therapy. But alas, the toothpaste tubes could not save him and he kept a fear of toasters the rest of his life.

Envy looked around and saw Yuki. He thought he was a girl, so he started flirting only to find out that Yuki was a boy! He was horribly sad, and went emo for 0.27 seconds before recovering. Then he sang in the shower and Roy went to investigate but he was so scared of Envy's horrible songs that he passed out on the stairs. Tohru ran inside with the laundry basket still glued to her nose and tripped over a door on the way to the secret lab in the invisible basement. She was abducted by marshmallows who wanted cheese as a ransom. The Sohmas got Tohru back but not before suffering the loss of an exploding duck borrowed from the Martians. The Martians weren't happy and they committed suicide on the moon. That was when Izumi Curtis came in and beat the crap out of Envy and Roy for letting Brittany steal Ed. Envy had just begun to scream in pain when Santa saved him and he moved to the North Pole and ate the elves and Santa's workshop, leaving the well-known Sango homeless. Alphonse Elric came looking for his brother but Brittany stole him too and stuck him to a huge magnet. Ed was never found but she left his pen-zipper behind with a note that said 'Ed will be mine!' And he was.

When Shigure got out of the grocery store and came home from therapy everyone hugged him and Akito proclaimed her undying love for tacos. Ashara ran everyone except Sango, Akito, and MV over and exploded a car going 10,000 MPH. They all lived fuzzily ever after.

THE END.

Oh, the randomness! Hope you liked it!


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